How come when people say "disturbing" things no one wants to ask why? I was raised as a Catholic. This means I was to think that everyone was my brother and sister because we all are children of God. It hurt when I saw that others did not feel the same. But I was told to love them with all my heart anyway. Is that too much to ask of someone? Some times I don't know what's right in this world. Should we love our neighbour as we love our self, even though they wouldn't care less if we got in shit for it? Or should we just care for our self, because that's how natural selection works? In a way this I think it's like communism. In theory it should work. In theory it is the best and fairest solution, but in reality... it seems so impossible. Would life have existed without selfishness? To whom do we owe our present for? Ourselves? or to God? Sorry I kind of went philosophical there. Someitmes I think I ask too many questions. My own personality frustrates me sometimes. I like to think that somewhere in heaven there's this big raffle with all sorts of different personality traits. Angels build people along a conveyor belt and stick on random personality traits like pin the tail on the donkey just to see what happens. Does boredom rule the universe? Did it create the universe? Is God the essence of boredom? I mean, what other motive could there be? God must have a motive. Without a motive... Why should existence... even exist?

I went to see the fireworks today. They were so.... pretty... and... mesmerizing. It made me sad after I saw them because I wouldn't ever see them again... if that made any sense? I don't know and it also reminded me of life. Of beauty. Beautiful things make me want to kill myself. I don't know why either. Not just aesthetically beautiful... but.. like.. emotionally beautiful. Those are killer. Hahaha.

mag susulat ako sa tagalog kahit kung minsan mali ang grammar at spelling ko.

mis na mis ang mga pamilia ko sa pilipinas. mis ko ang mga pinsan ko. kasi siguro walang taning ang pagmahal nila sa akin. parihas din ako. walang taning ang pagmahal ko sa kanila. malinaw at totoo ang manga pagisip, pagkita, at pagsalita nila. para sa akin, yan ang pinamasmabuting katangian sa mga ubod ng tao. mis ko yan kasi bihira ang mga totoo sa sarilig tao dito.

Ahahahhaa. I'm not the kind of person to start "beef" with someone...
Anyway I think I've let my train of thought loose for way too long. It's starting to get pretty chaotic up in my brain. I can't think straight sometimes. Sometimes I forget to breathe when I sleep. My short term memory is practically non-existent, my co-workers will back me up. I think it's just I'm so used to not thinking and just letting stuff come automatically to me. I don't even think when I drive. Hahaha... That's not... good. XD;; to say the least I suppose.

So anyway, I came here with something to rant about, and rant about it I shall. There's this one personality trait that really bothers me. It's... maybe it's just one person. Yeah that's it.

Holy shit I can't even write proper sentences anymore. Fuck what's wrong with me. I want a brain scan... there probably isn't anything wrong with me. I just want it for peace of mind. Oh my god. I feel like I'm getting dumber and dumber by the day. Shit.

In biology they say there's a point in your life where your ability to learn slows down, and your brain stops making some chemical or something that makes your brain function better than it 'normally' is. This chemical or something stops producing when you've reached adulthood. (Fuck have I reached adulthood already?! My boobs haven't grown in yet! ;A;) yeah.. Have I reached that point?! May I insert a NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! here? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!. Shit, fuck, monkeys. They say it starts up again when you're pregnant. Lucky for me I have a vagina. :D Hahhaa.

But yeah. That's it for now because I'm going to bed.

Wow!!!! One of my good friends is getting married!!! Omg I'm so excited and happy for him!

But you were on the ship, and I was on the shore. Some other harbour lights will steal your love from me.

In the morning mist, two lovers kissed and the world stood still. Then your fingers touched my silent heart and taught it how to sinnggg.. Yes true love is a many splendor thing!

Oldiesss...

I've been up for 20 hours. That's nothing. I know. But. Bleh. Anyway, yeah. emotime nao. I think I don't sleep because I'm afraid of having nightmares. I think I don't sleep because I like my emotime. I like it. In a world of fake, this is real. It's as real as... as... my mind could ever concieve reality. I've always had this theory that we were born in hell. That this is hell because it's full of pain. The closer you feel it the more you feel your exsistance here.The only way to reach heaven... would be to find the truth and to be... free from this place. I believe if you die bitter, you become a ghost/spirit and you're doomed to haunt this world until you find heaven. Yes. That's it. I will find my heaven, so that when I die, I won't have to be here anymore.

I need a hug.





I decided, I do like hugs after all.
More than kisses.
More than compliments.

I prefer hugs.

I'm afraid of life.
No seriously.

I wish my parents raised me better. To not be afraid, to not be so shy. To have some confidence. But in the end, I can't really blame them can I? I can only and should only blame myself. -sigh-.

-SIGH-.

I still really dislike humanity but at the same time, I feel so blessed to be alive. Have you ever thought about how many millions of year life has existed on the earth? How we were once just chemical elements, struck by lighting, eventually to evolve into a since cell? Then multicells. How many millions of years did it take so that I may exist today? The Earth is my mother, and my father. This sounds stupid, but I think this is maybe why I dislike humanity so much. People don't think about what they do to this planet. They aren't grateful, they don't take care of it like it takes care of us. Sometimes I just want to exterminate them all... Humans are so self-centred. Even I am. -sigh-.

Its hard to start caring. I know it'd probably be better if I did start caring again. To be a better friend. To actually BE a good friend to someone. I had friends before I'm sure, they... just didn't care enough I s'pose. So really why should I care? ARGH. I'm in a pickle. I was born in a pickle. Enough complaining. More action!

-punches something-





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