fcuk_j00's Xanga

Monday, November 02, 2009

Mon, 02 Nov 2009 08:11:52 GMT

depressed again. this should be my emo blog. Yes. I now deem this as my emo blog where i come to emo. I'm not always emo just so you know. not always. just today. i guess. i don't know. i'm just gonna write. yeah. so. i've been procrastinating to no end. i don't even care about school at this moment. for all i care, i can fail and i'll be like whatever. i have a scholarship whatever. i don't care i... just want to die. or something... i think i'm going to actually go see a doctor about this. i'm so sick of everything, even though there's nothing to be sick of. Hah. It's just force of habit i guess.

I dunno. i just want someone to tell me something. to scold me like a child to tell me what to do to tell me what's right and what is wrong. i want someone older to share with me thier wisdom. i want to be 8 years old again. i rejected everyone. i still do reject them. they're not cool enough, they're not caring enough. i judge and i can't go back. i need to be better i need to. it doesn't work when your self-respect and self-esteem is the size of a nut though. i don't want to be afraid of mistakes. i want to accept them and cry. and be upset about them. i want them to hurt me so that i remember not to do it again. i don't want to keep making the same mistakes over and over and over and over and be stuck in a never ending cycle. i want someone to tell me its going to be ok. that things will turn out right if you believe or some shit like that. maybe god.

Maybe i need to believe in god. I want to believe in god. but god, do you believe in me? i want to be loved too. i want to share. that voice in my head, god, it left, because i told it to. it was annoying me. but i was young. i thought i could do it myself. but i can't. please bring her back. kids, you know, they think they can do everything themselves. but. i need someone. no i don't. i can do it myself. i've always done things myself. you don't need anyone. it's what makes you stronger than them. you don't rely on ANYONE. they can all suck my dick. mother fuckers. i hate them. .... kill me now ):

-sigh- nothing i study seems interesting. that's what sucks about being a jack of all trades. good at everything. no inerest in anything. lack motivation. lack curiousity. i don't know.

poop.

I Can't Sleep.

Thu, 15 Oct 2009 07:56:05 GMT

I have an econ Midterm tomorrow. Jeebuss. I hope I don't pull a Petr. Hahahahahaha. Ahhahahaha. (Stay up all night in order not to forget anything).

But yeah.

Can't sleep.

My very first midterm. Gosh. I feel like... I don't know. Nervous. Stressed. I think I'll do ok. I don't think I'll get 100%. I certainly don't feel like I will get 100%. Not completely comfortable with Marginal Propensity to Spend and Marginal Propensity to Consume or the Multiplier etc. Blargh. Nervous Nervous. Gonna make coffee tomorrow. Jee. -SIGH- SALgkhaslgd. What am I doing on xanga? I don't know. I should be studying. Haha. I'll just ignore that.

Anyway.

Life has been good-ish. Aside from the stress. I've never been so worked up in my life to be honest lol. It's... different. Before it was competition just for fun. There were no risks or egos at stake. Just a win or a loss. I wish I could revert my mind back into that mode. It's just fun. Just fun. Just fun. What's my secret? It's just all for fun. There's no secret.

Yeah.

Life should be like that. To enjoy not to stress out about. Maybe it's because I'm asian. Maybe it's because I'm highly influenced by the asian way of doing things. But, y'know what? This is my life. It's nobody elses. Yeah. I'm such a great motivational speaker for myself. Hahaha. Maybe someone else will read this and follow what I'm saying. It's your life bro. Don't let anyone else influence you to do something you don't want to do.

Heh.

Sometimes I feel like the biggest hipocrite. I say do what you want, be who you are. But, at the same time, I really want to go into art. I think I'd enjoy doing art, yet... I'm going to environmental science. I do enjoy nature and learning about the environment, but sometimes, honestly, I think art is where most of my passion lies. Maybe I'm still too young and stupid to go into art. In my philosophy class on knowledge and reality, I came across this saying... or idea rather. Wheather you believe in freewill or determinisim, imagine for once that the world had reset and that it's playing back agian. When you're stuck at a crossroad, predict what you might've done last time, then do the opposite! Some how this works for me. It still does not, however, change the fact that I'm too chicken shit to go into art. It's the harder path I think. But... I don't know............... -SIGH- I'm too easily influenced.

One day I'll learn to stand up and solidly say "FUCK YOU ASSHOLE" from the bottom of my heart and mean it. Lol.

Augh.

/cry.

I'm soooo tooooooorrrnnn

Anyway.

New blog. Hahahahaha. Another?! To add to my other 20024623604600 blogs right? :P

http://sheetshimi.blogspot.com

:)

Saturday, September 19, 2009

Sat, 19 Sep 2009 07:35:20 GMT

A lot has happened since the beginning of school.
A lot of new friendships. Some strengthened. Others.. loosened. Some, gone.

It's hard to keep strong bonds with so many people. I guess I just never got used to the idea that friends do actually leave one day. You don't think about a friend leaving when you first meet them. When you meet someone for the first time you don't think "Hey, I'm not going to know this person anymore in 5 years." This idea is just coming around to me. Five years may seem like a long time... maybe when you were 10, or 15... but when you're 2 years away from 20, it really is just a fraction of your life. It's funny how time is like that. The sun rises everyday no matter how long you try to make the night last.

It's scary tbh. I feel like a kindergarten kid going to school for the first time.
"Make friends, don't be shy. Just be yourself."
Except I did have my parents around for my first day of school. I shouldn't expect them now.
It's the most trouble I've had, being myself... Perhaps it's because I raise my own standards so high, that even I can't reach them. In turn it makes me feel incompetent and insecure. Just learn to laugh about it right?

yeah I guess.

It's okay if you're not "smart". It's how you carry yourself is what matters. Right? There's something more to being human than just being "smart". Yeah.

Anyway, new friendships. New relationships. I want to keep all my friends... forever. ):

Christmas Wishlist? |)

Mon, 07 Sep 2009 00:26:07 GMT

ohh shiitt my fashionista bitch is coming out. Fall/winter fashion are my favorites. To you this may mean something, but to me, this just means I have a bigger urge than ever to spend money and buy clothes. FFFffff...

Let's start with shoes/boots...
http://www.gumdropsonline.com/product.aspx?ProductID=14&deptid=6&AdID=38
http://www.gumdropsonline.com/product.aspx?ProductID=310&deptid=14&AdID=38
http://www.aldoshoes.com/ca-eng/women/boots/casual-boots/75289558-cadlett/96&flagid=fallbootpreview

Acessories
BULLET BELT. !!!

Tops
"Everybody Lies" Tshirt (HOUSEE!!)
Battlestar Galactica double layered tank tops.... though somehow I think it'll be impossible to find... (WOO)

TBC...

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Wed, 26 Aug 2009 23:43:12 GMT

Dear God, Allah, Buddah, Zeus, etc.,

You're the reason why my mother says "Don't worry, God will provide" instead of actually going out to find a job. START PROVIDING ALMIGHTY ONE. I hope you die in a fire.

Christine

Monday, August 10, 2009

Mon, 10 Aug 2009 02:35:09 GMT

Augh. To be honest, I don't want to go. I need to save money to move out and go to school. Moving out seems like it's my first priority right now. I need to get the fuck out of here, before I die even more.

American Express keeps calling my mother: she just bought a car, she pays mortgage, she pays bills, she buys land in the philippines, she doesn't do her taxes, she has no job. Bank of Montreal stopped paying her severance pay. How the fuck is she affording all this?! I regret ever asking her to buy my plane ticket to Japan... If there was only some way to refund it... But there isn't so I guess it must go through. Everything seems happy happy joy joy, but really, I'm in so much shit. Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. Moving out also means taking control of my own life. I don't think I'm ready to do that, but seriously, what other choice do I have? I can't keep mooching. I can't deal with my mom for long periods of time. I want my own room... For fuck's sake I'm the only one in my family working. FUCK. Fuck. Fuck fuck. I want to go to school. For fucks sake. I wanted to go to Sheridan... Fuck. Whatever. At least now, I have a goal/purpose. I don't give a shit if I become one of those poor kid minimum wage workers. Fuck. I do care actually. I do fucking care. I don't want to fuck up my life... but... this is necessary. FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHCCCKKK. Everything is going down the drain...

Friday, July 31, 2009

Fri, 31 Jul 2009 20:37:39 GMT

I don't get angry, I get upset. I don't get angry, I get frustrated. I don't get angry, I just misunderstand. I don't get angry, I just get... angry.

I had a bawl fest yesterday. It hurt and felt good. But today I'm fucking tired and depressed as shit. So far the highlight of my day was seeing Tyler. My heart almost stopped completely when I saw him through the corner of my eye. Too bad I didn't get that heart attack like I wanted. He ordered a venti cappuccino today. That's different. We talked about the fireworks. He went to the UK one. Too bad I didn't go to the UK one. Boo! but yeah. Haha. -sigh-. Like, I don't even know why I like this guy. There is no reasonable justification for it. It's just... like... gravity or something. It's kind of weird. Or hormonal disfunction.
But yeah.

blegh.

Thursday, July 02, 2009

Thu, 02 Jul 2009 05:58:00 GMT

How come when people say "disturbing" things no one wants to ask why? I was raised as a Catholic. This means I was to think that everyone was my brother and sister because we all are children of God. It hurt when I saw that others did not feel the same. But I was told to love them with all my heart anyway. Is that too much to ask of someone? Some times I don't know what's right in this world. Should we love our neighbour as we love our self, even though they wouldn't care less if we got in shit for it? Or should we just care for our self, because that's how natural selection works? In a way this I think it's like communism. In theory it should work. In theory it is the best and fairest solution, but in reality... it seems so impossible. Would life have existed without selfishness? To whom do we owe our present for? Ourselves? or to God? Sorry I kind of went philosophical there. Someitmes I think I ask too many questions. My own personality frustrates me sometimes. I like to think that somewhere in heaven there's this big raffle with all sorts of different personality traits. Angels build people along a conveyor belt and stick on random personality traits like pin the tail on the donkey just to see what happens. Does boredom rule the universe? Did it create the universe? Is God the essence of boredom? I mean, what other motive could there be? God must have a motive. Without a motive... Why should existence... even exist?

I went to see the fireworks today. They were so.... pretty... and... mesmerizing. It made me sad after I saw them because I wouldn't ever see them again... if that made any sense? I don't know and it also reminded me of life. Of beauty. Beautiful things make me want to kill myself. I don't know why either. Not just aesthetically beautiful... but.. like.. emotionally beautiful. Those are killer. Hahaha.

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Wed, 24 Jun 2009 20:54:00 GMT

Sometimes I get the feeling I was born in the wrong time and the wrong place.

Sunday, June 21, 2009

Sun, 21 Jun 2009 03:39:42 GMT

mag susulat ako sa tagalog kahit kung minsan mali ang grammar at spelling ko.

mis na mis ang mga pamilia ko sa pilipinas. mis ko ang mga pinsan ko. kasi siguro walang taning ang pagmahal nila sa akin. parihas din ako. walang taning ang pagmahal ko sa kanila. malinaw at totoo ang manga pagisip, pagkita, at pagsalita nila. para sa akin, yan ang pinamasmabuting katangian sa mga ubod ng tao. mis ko yan kasi bihira ang mga totoo sa sarilig tao dito.