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Monday, 02 November 2009
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depressed again. this should be my emo blog. Yes. I now deem this as my emo blog where i come to emo. I'm not always emo just so you know. not always. just today. i guess. i don't know. i'm just gonna write. yeah. so. i've been procrastinating to no end. i don't even care about school at this moment. for all i care, i can fail and i'll be like whatever. i have a scholarship whatever. i don't care i... just want to die. or something... i think i'm going to actually go see a doctor about this. i'm so sick of everything, even though there's nothing to be sick of. Hah. It's just force of habit i guess.
I dunno. i just want someone to tell me something. to scold me like a child to tell me what to do to tell me what's right and what is wrong. i want someone older to share with me thier wisdom. i want to be 8 years old again. i rejected everyone. i still do reject them. they're not cool enough, they're not caring enough. i judge and i can't go back. i need to be better i need to. it doesn't work when your self-respect and self-esteem is the size of a nut though. i don't want to be afraid of mistakes. i want to accept them and cry. and be upset about them. i want them to hurt me so that i remember not to do it again. i don't want to keep making the same mistakes over and over and over and over and be stuck in a never ending cycle. i want someone to tell me its going to be ok. that things will turn out right if you believe or some shit like that. maybe god.
Maybe i need to believe in god. I want to believe in god. but god, do you believe in me? i want to be loved too. i want to share. that voice in my head, god, it left, because i told it to. it was annoying me. but i was young. i thought i could do it myself. but i can't. please bring her back. kids, you know, they think they can do everything themselves. but. i need someone. no i don't. i can do it myself. i've always done things myself. you don't need anyone. it's what makes you stronger than them. you don't rely on ANYONE. they can all suck my dick. mother fuckers. i hate them. .... kill me now ):
-sigh- nothing i study seems interesting. that's what sucks about being a jack of all trades. good at everything. no inerest in anything. lack motivation. lack curiousity. i don't know.
poop.
Thursday, 15 October 2009
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I Can't Sleep.
I have an econ Midterm tomorrow. Jeebuss. I hope I don't pull a Petr. Hahahahahaha. Ahhahahaha. (Stay up all night in order not to forget anything).
But yeah.
Can't sleep.
My very first midterm. Gosh. I feel like... I don't know. Nervous. Stressed. I think I'll do ok. I don't think I'll get 100%. I certainly don't feel like I will get 100%. Not completely comfortable with Marginal Propensity to Spend and Marginal Propensity to Consume or the Multiplier etc. Blargh. Nervous Nervous. Gonna make coffee tomorrow. Jee. -SIGH- SALgkhaslgd. What am I doing on xanga? I don't know. I should be studying. Haha. I'll just ignore that.
Anyway.
Life has been good-ish. Aside from the stress. I've never been so worked up in my life to be honest lol. It's... different. Before it was competition just for fun. There were no risks or egos at stake. Just a win or a loss. I wish I could revert my mind back into that mode. It's just fun. Just fun. Just fun. What's my secret? It's just all for fun. There's no secret.
Yeah.
Life should be like that. To enjoy not to stress out about. Maybe it's because I'm asian. Maybe it's because I'm highly influenced by the asian way of doing things. But, y'know what? This is my life. It's nobody elses. Yeah. I'm such a great motivational speaker for myself. Hahaha. Maybe someone else will read this and follow what I'm saying. It's your life bro. Don't let anyone else influence you to do something you don't want to do.
Heh.
Sometimes I feel like the biggest hipocrite. I say do what you want, be who you are. But, at the same time, I really want to go into art. I think I'd enjoy doing art, yet... I'm going to environmental science. I do enjoy nature and learning about the environment, but sometimes, honestly, I think art is where most of my passion lies. Maybe I'm still too young and stupid to go into art. In my philosophy class on knowledge and reality, I came across this saying... or idea rather. Wheather you believe in freewill or determinisim, imagine for once that the world had reset and that it's playing back agian. When you're stuck at a crossroad, predict what you might've done last time, then do the opposite! Some how this works for me. It still does not, however, change the fact that I'm too chicken shit to go into art. It's the harder path I think. But... I don't know............... -SIGH- I'm too easily influenced.
One day I'll learn to stand up and solidly say "FUCK YOU ASSHOLE" from the bottom of my heart and mean it. Lol.
Augh.
/cry.
I'm soooo tooooooorrrnnn
Anyway.
New blog. Hahahahaha. Another?! To add to my other 20024623604600 blogs right? :P
http://sheetshimi.blogspot.com
:)
Saturday, 19 September 2009
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A lot has happened since the beginning of school.
A lot of new friendships. Some strengthened. Others.. loosened. Some, gone.
It's hard to keep strong bonds with so many people. I guess I just never got used to the idea that friends do actually leave one day. You don't think about a friend leaving when you first meet them. When you meet someone for the first time you don't think "Hey, I'm not going to know this person anymore in 5 years." This idea is just coming around to me. Five years may seem like a long time... maybe when you were 10, or 15... but when you're 2 years away from 20, it really is just a fraction of your life. It's funny how time is like that. The sun rises everyday no matter how long you try to make the night last.
It's scary tbh. I feel like a kindergarten kid going to school for the first time.
"Make friends, don't be shy. Just be yourself."
Except I did have my parents around for my first day of school. I shouldn't expect them now.
It's the most trouble I've had, being myself... Perhaps it's because I raise my own standards so high, that even I can't reach them. In turn it makes me feel incompetent and insecure. Just learn to laugh about it right?
yeah I guess.
It's okay if you're not "smart". It's how you carry yourself is what matters. Right? There's something more to being human than just being "smart". Yeah.
Anyway, new friendships. New relationships. I want to keep all my friends... forever. ):
Sunday, 06 September 2009
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Christmas Wishlist? |)
ohh shiitt my fashionista bitch is coming out. Fall/winter fashion are my favorites. To you this may mean something, but to me, this just means I have a bigger urge than ever to spend money and buy clothes. FFFffff...
Let's start with shoes/boots...
http://www.gumdropsonline.com/product.aspx?ProductID=14&deptid=6&AdID=38
http://www.gumdropsonline.com/product.aspx?ProductID=310&deptid=14&AdID=38
http://www.aldoshoes.com/ca-eng/women/boots/casual-boots/75289558-cadlett/96&flagid=fallbootpreview
Acessories
BULLET BELT. !!!
Tops
"Everybody Lies" Tshirt (HOUSEE!!)
Battlestar Galactica double layered tank tops.... though somehow I think it'll be impossible to find... (WOO)
TBC...
Wednesday, 26 August 2009
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Dear God, Allah, Buddah, Zeus, etc.,
You're the reason why my mother says "Don't worry, God will provide" instead of actually going out to find a job. START PROVIDING ALMIGHTY ONE. I hope you die in a fire.
Christine
fcuk_j00
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- Name: Christine
- Country: Canada
- State: British Columbia
- Metro: Vancouver
- Birthday: 7/16/1991
- Gender: Female
- Member Since: 9/4/2004
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